Disordered Spaces
Creativity, Real Life, and Some Magical Books
“A little apparent disorder is an indication of the fertility of the mind and someone that is actively creating. A perfect studio has always told me that the person is afraid of his own mind and is reflecting in his outward space an inward need for control. Creativity is just the opposite: it is a loss of control.”
Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones
When I first began writing fiction in earnest after graduating from college, some twenty-three years ago, I was fixated on making my work space beautiful before I could start my writing day.
In the early 2000s before Amazon or Pinterest boards, a beautiful space meant hoards of candles, collages of postcards, photos cut from magazines, and any John William Waterhouse-ish poster I could find in Hobby Lobby or a museum gift shop: sad beautiful ladies of literature in flowing robes and wind-swept hair, about to kiss a knight or riding in boats to their impending doom.
When I lived in Scotland, one of my flatmates used to call my room/writing space a Curio shop for its trinkets and things that lined the shelves, desk, and walls.
I think I was trying to create a space that I could write toward: fantastical, literary, sad, magical, beautiful. But I see now that my spaces also reflected my inner world and inner longings. My longings to be more beautiful, to be a part of something more magical, to have—let’s face it—an everlasting romance. I wanted to be somewhere and someone that didn’t exist.
My writing life post-children has been decidedly less romantic. It’s been an exercise in—what someone once said—writing in the corners, nooks, and crannies of the day.
Making room on shared desks in shared spaces for my computer, lugging so many books and materials to coffee shops that my neck hurt, dealing with neck and shoulder pain from being over 40, literally sitting in the corner behind my bedroom door while a toddler lounges on my bed watching something.
Yes, a lot less romantic.
But as I sit down this week to write, I am entering a new phase. Or perhaps an old phase with a new outlook. For the first time in fifteen years, all four of my children are in school. For the first time in many years, I have a desk that is mine (made by my husband) and isn't shared by anyone else.
While I don’t have a room of my own (I write in our bedroom), no one else is around. I don’t have to sit on the floor or lug heavy books anywhere (unless I just need a change of scenery).
I still decorate with things I find beautiful but I’ve traded John William Waterhouse for skulls and flowers, for my children’s art, for postcards of saints and Celtic crosses. Instead of a knight and long-haired lady, it is a photo of me kissing my husband.
Natalie Goldberg says that creativity “is a loss of control.” But it isn’t only creativity. Maturity is also the realization that life is not under our control. Being a part of real communities, losing people we love, disappointing others, feeling angry, having children, having a real marriage to a real and beautiful person, moving, having to leave people behind and making new friends: before creativity, real life shows us first that we are not in control.
The creative life isn’t a romantic fantasy. It is ugly and beautiful and harmonious and disordered and discordant and, actually romantic. In a real sort of way.
It is just life.
And I think I’m ready for it again.
THINGS THAT START WITH M
Music:
Four of my favorite Christian artists have formed a super group called Paper Horses and I can’t wait for more! One of the artists, Leslie Jordan, has also released a meditative new EP. This particular song is my prayer every time I write.
Myth and Magic:
I read and listened to some great fantasy books this summer. Here are my favorites:
Emily Wilde’s Encyclopedia of Fairies by Heather Fawcett
The Magician’s Daughter by H.G. Parry
Nettle and Bone by T. Kingfisher
This was my very favorite book of the summer. I listened to it at night on audiobook. I want to write books like this one: fantastical but intimate, moving, dark, and magical.
Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt
Ok, so this book isn’t technically a fantasy but part of it is narrated by an octopus so...Also, the actor who voices the octopus on the audiobook version is absolutely wonderful.
Memento Mori:
Comedian Jim Gaffigan recently released his tenth comedy special Dark Pale. The first fifteen minutes or so are a hilarious and often macabre meditation on death.
Mirth:
These things made me laugh
I only relate to this occasionally…
This current Jr. High boy hairstyle is real and um, interesting…
And finally, thank you for this, Lizzo.
WHAT’S COMING UP
It’s glorious to be working on my novel again. Here’s a teaser for you: I’ve been doing heavy research on Hildegard of Bingen, The Beguines, Medieval Scotland, and, um, time travel.
My husband and I are still working toward a podcast called Til Death Do Us Part (tentatively titled) so stay tuned for future developments.
MY BOOKS
Mystics and Misfits: Meeting God Through St. Francis and Other Unlikely Saints
Awakened By Death: Life-Giving Lessons from the Mystics
A FINAL QUESTION
What was your favorite read of the summer? As I said earlier, this was mine:
Life IS romantic 💔🩷 loved those last lines. And your sweet writing desk. Also, looking up these books to add to my TBR (now that my kids are in school too I can listen to sooo many!!) - and LIZZO!! 😆🤯😍
I loved this, Christiana. What a relief it is to realize that we are not in control of many things we felt responsible for but had no way to accomplish. Hence, anxiety. I'm glad you're in this space at last of having time to think and write. I look forward to your next post.